Trust Issues: How to Get Over Them in Relationships, Marriage, and Life

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I think I knew from the first that he didnt trust women, but I was hell-bent to prove that I was different! God requires that you forgive your spouse — for if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses Matthew 6:15. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, or anything else of the sort.

You seem to think I should just trust you because you say I can trust you. She does not communicate in the right way she yells and snaps back. I have been married for 10 years and together for 18 years.

5 Powerful Types Of Trust Every Marriage Needs, Because The Definition Of Trust Is A Lot Bigger Than Just About Cheating

Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured if you will follow the guidelines below. I can sum up the essence of building trust in one idea: Create a safe emotional space for your spouse. If you are not actively working to build a safe emotional space, than you are probably building an unsafe one. If you're not working to build a safe emotional space, then you're probably building an unsafe one. A colleague of mine who is known for his wisdom as an educator in Los Angeles defines an abusive relationship in the following way. He suggests that an abusive relationship is one in which one person is afraid to express his or her feelings and opinions. Needless to say, an abusive relationship is one where there is no trust. The key to avoiding abuse and promoting trust is to consciously strive everyday to build a safe emotional space. And let me say at the outset that, if you feel you are in an abusive relationship based on the definition I just gave, seek help immediately. Develop the skill of being a good listener, which is one of the hardest skills when there is no trust in marriage develop. Being a good listener means you don't interrupt your spouse. This requires great discipline and respect. Learn to ask, Are you finished. Always make sure you've fully understood what the other person has said. A simple tool to use for this is the well known mirroring technique. You reflect back what the other person has said. It may sound a bit contrived but, believe me, it really works. What you have to learn to do is say something like, Let me make sure that I've understood what you just said. It sounded to me that you want me to. If you are an advanced listener, try not only to reflect back the content, but the emotional tone as well. For example, It seems you are really annoyed with me and you want me to be more careful the next time I. A crucial component of good communication is the consistent use I-statements as opposed to you-statements. I statements unite, while you-statements alienate and create distance. An I-statement begins with I feel. A you-statement begins with You make me feel. A you-statement is almost always experienced as an attack. When I own my feelings and opinions by using an I-statement, I am communicating that I am taking responsibility for the issue and not blaming my spouse. When a person feels he or she cannot express their needs to the other person, then this leads to a break down in trust. We often don't express our needs for two reasons. Either we are afraid of rejection or we are afraid of feeling ashamed for having such needs. When a couple can express and meet each other's needs consistently this is one of the most powerful ways to build trust in a relationship. We naturally trust people who treat us nicely and who seem to like us. It's very hard to distrust someone who seems to constantly be going out of his way to please you. A key tool to use here is the 5 to 1 rule. This means that before you say anything negative to your spouse, you must have expressed at least five positive things. Only then, are you allowed to say something negative or critical. This requires that a husband and wife develop good problem solving skills. I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with whose problems are rooted in a lack of problem solving skills. When issues don't get resolved, then resentments develop and fester. And when resentments develop then trust is lost. Just in case you didn't know, fighting is a part of any good marriage. I mention this because there are some people who live with the naïve notion that in when there is no trust in marriage marriages couples never fight. The problem is not that couples fight, but how they fight. If you fight unfairly, then you destroy trust. If you fight fairly, you build trust. Never bring up old stuff that may be unresolved. The present fight is not a license to dump all your old garbage. Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy. Be careful how you treat each other. Many people wrongly believe that in a good marriage, you can relax and not have to monitor everything you say and do. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In a good marriage, you must always be monitoring your behavior. This is the key to building a strong relationship and trust. Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. A in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He currently runs a private practice in Beverly Hills, California specializing in adult psychotherapy, personal growth counseling, dating coaching, and marital therapy. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people with their personal and relationship challenges. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for a full year. Things moved very quickly from day one and whilst I would never admit to that being wrong, it has created some issues. My girlfriend is a mother of four and a survivor of her husband who committed suiside six years ago. She has some major trust issues and I find myself blowing up because I am being totally transparent with no secrets yet this is not enough. She is overwhelmed most of the time and either lashes out at me or the kids. No matter what I say or do I am always wrong. I've never written on one of these things but here goes. So my wife and i have been married for almost two years and together for three of them. I have recently found that i have massive anxiety issues which are causing me to not be able to listen when my wife tells me various things. Im really trying hard i am going to counseling im trying to do everything in my power to save this marriage but my wife keeps saying is shes past the point of wanting to try because of how many times i have messed things up. I want to keep trying to fix things but she keeps saying she doesnt trust me. All i keep thinking is how can i show you i can be trusted if you dont let your walls down and give me a chance. It breaks my heart because i know i have issues like adhd and anxiety but im really trying to make myself better. My wife is finishing Law School. I agreed even because this time changing is a requirement of the University, therefore she is forced to comply. But small towns, gossips have taken place. I called her to let her know what is going on and she told me not to worry and asked me to trust her and forget what other people say. I have been married to my husband for nearly 7 years and have come to realize he has not trusted me yet. When we were married I had no idea how badly his parents had treated him and how much baggage he was bringing into the relationship. After he lied to me yet again tonight he told me that he trusts me up to a point. Our marriage is being ruined by his emotionally abusive parents even though we no longer even have contact with them because of the fear of human contact they instilled in him. I am sharing this because the article makes it sound as if it is always your fault if your spouse doesn't feel safe confiding in you. Sometimes you can do everything in the book and it will never be enough if the wounds run deep enough. That doesn't mean you can't keep trying though. If you choose to keep trying it will mean getting your heart ripped out and trampled every time you were starting to feel safe again. But maybe it gets better someday. I'm always reading and learning and enjoying these emails. I appreciate these wise words. I'm open to change and know it will take me a life time to become the person Hashem wants me to be. A spouse who is learning and reading and changing and being more positive. My husband has done just the same thing. I gave tried to forget and try to wipe the slate clean and trust him so many more times. My mistake was not having the courage to stand up for myself and tell him the trust I was trying to preserve between us was being destroyed by his loose lips. It made me feel very unimportant. Anytime I tell him these things now, he just closes up and acts like I have no grounds to demand simple right like this in our marriage. I need some advice what to do about my marriage. We recently got married a couple months after his divorce which now makes us married 1 year. This makes his 3rd marriage and my 1st marriage, we have 1 child together and I have 2 from a previous relationship. My previous kids father and I had built a close friendship for the kids nothing else. My husband is very jealous he want me to have hatred towards him he doesn't want me to talk to him when there is no trust in marriage th kidsneeds. He constantly accusing me of cheating with him or wanting to bewith him. Now mind you we live 4 hours away from each other. I'm getting fed up with his accusations I don't do anything but work and take care of the family I have no friends or family were I am so its just him, kids and I here. I'm trying to do my best to keep this marriage together but enough is enough I'm tired of hurting and crying for things I'm not doing. I try to hide my pain from my kids cause I don't want them to see my pain cause they are relaying on me. No person wants to be accused when its not correct. I don't know if its trust issues came from previous marriages or is it just him. I advised counseling he don't want to go say hes not paying no money for someone to tell him what to do. He swear he knows everything can't tell him nothing he is 12 years older than but like I always tell age isn't nothing but a number its always room to learn what I don't know you may know and what you don't know I may but don't assume your age you wiser than me. I pray he changes or this might be a divorce I got married because I loved him and he doing all the right thing as I want as a husband the minute I said I do it was like I sign a contract to control me. I'm a strong woman and if getting divorce is what I have to do then I will I don't care others have to say I have to what's right for myself and when there is no trust in marriage. Dear Carmen, You are a very loving person. Your current husband isn't even close to feeling love. He doesn't trust life and he doesn't trust you. You must trust your own heart, which is telling you that you are unloved and unwanted, even unknown by this man. Please do what's right for your children and yourself. Divorce this man immediately, and Live with Dignity and Peace. Be with people who make you feel warm, trusted, liked and loved. And don't carry on with married men, even if they say they want a divorce. Love yourself and your children. My husband and I have been married for over 2 yrs. We got married just a yr after his divorce was final. I love him to death, but we have some issues that need to work out and he refuses to go to a marriage counselor to work out this issues. We just had a baby in Nov of '12 and I have a 5 yr old from previous relationship, so there are children involved and its really important to me to work this out instead of dragging my kids thru a when there is no trust in marriage. I just went thru his facebook cause i do not trust him, and i do not have any reason not too. He has never cheated, but I noticed that on his fb it is all women. I looked at his messages and it was all innocent, but i feel outraged. I feel a great deal of anger towards him for the way he talks to me. During fights he will tell me to shut the 'f' up, go play in traffic and die, that i am stupid and he threatens divorce every other fight. Its so draining and emotionally hard that I have thought about walking away but I am determined. He has also told me that he has gone thru my phone when i am asleep, even tho there is nothing on there. I am at a lost as what to do cause he is so hard headed and stubborn that nothing i say or do is right. He doesnt want me working cause he wants me to stay home and clean, which i do. I need a help after reading this article, my husband is very rude to me even in public and never want to listen to my opinions. I've been in a relationship for just under one year. She actually asked to marry me and I said I have one conditionwe talk to a pre marital counsler to get counselled. I thought it would arm me and her with the proper tools. Well quick synopsis, shes been married 3 times, and me once. My divorce was Super rough and I wish it wasn't but I so do not trust. I am sure I have some other things from my past too about women, but I'm not a jealous type or mean or anything at all, but I just don't trust females. I've met someone online that usually doesn't fit in my category of women just because I was think, heck if I've done it wrong lets change things to do it correctly this time. I've introduced her to my friends, family ,and she has pretty much done the same. Than 11 months into the relationship she asked to marry me. I am scared, I do not want to be hurt again, and I am so tired of the dating scene it is a joke. Experts say it can take up to 8 years to fully recover emotionaly, spiritually and financially from a divorce. Clearly you aren't ready to trust at the level of marriage. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement. When there is no trust in marriage explain yourself to her, your past hurts, express you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her, but prefer to take it a bit slow. If she doesn't, save yourself both time and effort. However, after 3 years, you should really know if you're ready to commit to marriage. Ladies, I am not a psychologist or a doctor, but I am in a relationship with a self admitted sociopath and borderline narcissist. I have done much research on these two personality types in an attempt to understand my fiance. In a nutshell he is a wonderful man. My fiance however has also been diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder. With these various personality behaviors he has, by no choice of his own, our relationship is a constant effort to stay afloat. To my knowledge my fiance has never been unfaithful, but recently, through work, has grown closer to a young employee. We have had several issues over misunderstandings as he calls them with this person. Needless to say, this employee is no longer with us, however only after I has several meltdowns in front of them both. I do not believe looking back there was any infidelitybut there is a huge trust issue in our relationship, now more so than ever. People with these types of personalities crave constant attention, praise, and excitement. When their family isn't providing that, they become withdrawn and hard to deal with. With all this, please keep in mind that if your partner truly has one of these disorders, it is no fault of his own, he was made that way. But for your own sake and knowledge, please please. With this new knowledge, you can determine, in your own heart and mind, if your partner has one of these disorders, which likely requires professional help. But please be cautious and kind when approaching him with the idea of getting help and bring support with you from your research. Counseling and medication may be your saving grace in these situations. Please remember to be understanding, a good listener, patient, loving, and most important very supportive during this time. And please enjoyment for yourself, personal time with friends. Your insight is very honest, heartfelt and dead on. One thing a partner should remember in addition to being understanding and lovins, is it's a choice to be with someone. Sometimes ones burdens are too much. If someones medical conditions are too be in a healthy relationship, please move on. Every person deserves to be happy. There are people such as this special lady who has the disposition, emotional stability and strength to handle such a relationship. Don't feel obligated, do what is healty for you both. I have been married for forty years. He practices one upmanship in most everything. Then he'll flip to being needy. He thinks he does no harm and sets himself above, even though he has the opposite affect. I want to but he acts oblivious or claims to be inept of what to say or do. My discovering that he manipulates is the biggest trust issue for me. I would like to understand as well, how you learn to retrust you husband when it has been broken by lies, deceit and an emotional affair. I have been married for 14 years in a week and half. We are a great family and wonderful parents, but something seem broken with us. I try to explain how i feel about his relationship with the woman and I keep getting its just a working relationship. She just doesn't go away, they always end up on projects together. He tells me it is me he loves and my lack of rust in him is driving us apart. I have tried so many different ways to explain to him why this drives me insane and i get accused of being crazy. What you described is my situation. My friend sometimes texted me and I am trying to be polite. Now my wife read some of the texts but my explanations are never satisfactories to her and of course she doesn't trust me. I really love her, I am not perfect, but neither I am bad at all. When you married your wife, there was a deep committment. Her feelings are more important than a friend. The next time your friend texts you, make sure in your replies that you continually mention your wife. For example: Michelle and I went to the movies. My wife and I on our way out to eat. You can always have female friends, but the problem comes when a spouse is inadvertently put on the back burner, or communication acts as if a spouse doesn't exist. If it's truly a friendship, then they know you have a wife, what's going on in your life. Be cautious when they call u crazy. Believing in ur mate is essential and possible after not believing in him. I just turned over a new leaf w mine after 2. I was finally able to believe again. It's really amazing that we have come this far. I have experienced a similar situation with my husband. We took an expatriate position overseas and ever since, he spends more time at work with his colleagues than with us, his family at home. When I noticed he was forming a close relationship with a female coworker, I brought it to his attention and his reaction. Was much like your husbands; it's just a work friend and I was crazy. Nonetheless, we came up with a solution together, that from that day forward any coffee or lunch meetings would involve me, even text messages from her inviting him out for a drink would be forwarded to me with her knowledge, so that eventually, when she called on him as a friend, she would come to think of us an inseparable unit. If she wanted to remain friends with my husband, she would have to also be my friend. Whether or not your husband thinks your feelings are unreasonable, he should be considerate of how it effects you. When you talk to him about this again, try to be subjective and remain calm. From my own experience, he will be more open to your suggestions. It seems when women become overly emotional, men can easily shut down. Being overly emotional can make him feel guilty, which can cause him to act defensively as if he had been attacked. I know how painful this can be, especially if your husband maintains that he has done nothing wrong, but he should understand that continuing a friendship with another woman if when there is no trust in marriage makes you uncomfortable or even hurt is wrong enough. I have been married for 10 years and together for 18 years. I don't know why I don't trust him anymore. I caught him told a few of so called White lies. Then my head would go on imagining all other stuffs. He is s great husband and father to our two boys. But I can't help myself, I am driving myself crazy and drive him crazy. Have either of u figured this out yet. I'm in same boat, husband lied a few times and i caught him out, he always denies until I have evidence then the truth comes out in bits and pieces. Whenever I explain the effect of his lies, ie causing me to distrust him he tells me it's my own fault, that I make him have to lie cos he knows how il react if he tells me the truth. He has never cheated to my knowledge but he doesn't have to, the lies he has told have caused me to lose all trust in him and I feel I have lost respect for him too, I love him when there is no trust in marriage he works hard for us and our kids but its like he lives in a different reality. I doubt everything he tells me, I think he is a fake person, jackal and Hyde, even when he talks to others his stories always differ, or he tells me what he is telling me is a secret and I'm not to tell anyone but then goes round telling people lol and when I pulled him up on that he actually said 'well you would have started telling people so I thought I may aswell. If there is one thing I can do Is keep people's secrets. In any case the truth is some thing very important to me, I hate being lied to and always tell the truth ven if it hurts. I want to save my marriage but I, getting tired of always being o. Edge, always wondering what he is really up to or really thinking. And together going on 11 year. We have gone through alot in our relationship together but things seem to be getting worst. I feel like he's tired of being with me. He no longer shows me any affection I feel more like a servant than his wife. I've tried talking to him but it usually ends with me in tears and with him angry and upset, which makes him shut down even more. I know a relationship with not survive with only one person making an effort. I know I'm a good mother and wife I just wish I could fix my marriage. Never thought I would say this I never thought I would be in a loveless marriage. I am in the same situation right now. He has told me that he feels like we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. I just don't know what he wants. I try to suggest things to do together, but that normally doesn't work. Any affection is limited and infrequent. I, too, have tried to talk to him about these issues, but it ends up the same as you have described. I just try so hard to be supportive and be a good wife to him, but I feel like it goes unnoticed and unappreciated. And, like you said, I feel more like a maid or a servant than a wife. Leaving is not even a thought I like to entertain, but it has crossed my mind. That just leads into one of my biggest fears: will he actually miss me if I go. Have a great Man that takes good care of me, pays attention to me, but I constantly am looking to catch him being shady or for a lie. I know that this is based on an old relationship where I was completely manipulated, and decieved on a regular basis. A fact that I was not aware of until it was over, and that was also very shocking. I don't know how to repair the change my expectancy of that happening to me again. I know I must fix the misplaced suspion soon, or I will lose my husband. He has been very patient and understanding. But I can tell that it is wearing thin and getting harder for him. Seems to only get worse for me with time, and the more that I love him, the scarred I get that it will happen. He cheated on me with my friend back when I was with him. Twently four years later, he is a different man. But I still am waiting to catch him in a lie of cheat on me. Its eating me alive that I cant seem to put my negative and suspicious thoughts aside. We fight about it all the time. My husband doesnt realize how much I love him I feel so happy when he doesnt have any trust issues i dont know what to do Im loyal to him and would never disrespect him in any way shape or form dont know how to get him to trust me we are just having a baby this should be the best time of our lives I need to get him to trust me what can I do Im ashamed to say i've broken alot of these rules. I don't ever say or do anything unfaithful or when there is no trust in marriage yet my husband seems to always look for something. He goes thru my phone and messages even after i've told him exactly what was said in my conversations. I give him my phone at night and he has my pass words for everything so he can look anytime but he says he gets strange feelings. I become hurt and angry over his distrust but i don't know what more i can do to show him i'm loyal. I when there is no trust in marriage having a lot of trust issues in my marriage. I get these thoughts telling me that something is going on but I try to trust her and ignore the thoughts. I then explain my trust issues to her and she raises her voice towards me, and name calls at me which then makes my doubts in my head sink in more. She tells me never ever but with the attitude so it doesn't make me believe it at all. What do I do I don't want to pick fights but my head says something is going on and I don't know what the truth is anymore. She does not communicate in the right way she yells and snaps back. That is where the trust comes in. You trust that things will get better. Don't hold back because you have been hurt before. Often, we Chase people away just because we are too scared to move forward. Then, if it all fails, learn, dry your tears, Pick yourself up, and move forward. You will find that you save yourself a lot of heartache in the end by knowing you gave it all you had before u walk away. I am always true and doign teh right thing but my wife always says words to me that i dont care for family. I have spent whole of my life in earning and spending on them. What ever i earn i give them and spend for them. Even than when i hear that i havent dont anything i become very upset and sad. Only possible thing which i see is divorce. I love her too much and cannot image to live without her but i dont know what to do to bring happiness to my life. I am just kind of dead person now and dont know when my wife will start fightting again. Life was never such terrible and sad before not with cheating or being financially irresponsible, but with illegal behavior and deceit hiding it from her because I knew it was wrong. This last time was the humdinger, I am now facing the possibility of criminal charges. I don't know if we are going to make it this time, but despite whatever happens between her and I, I need to get myself the help I need to change my behavior so I can lead a productive life with or without her. The thing I keep hearing is people not wanting to live without their loved one, but you've got to hold yourself accountable for the pain you've caused, and understand that you have no right to ask that person to stand by you again, and again and again. That's only way to break the cycle. The things I used to love before surprise kisses, his teasing, even his sex drive irritate me now. At a certain point, after being hurt and let down so many times, the love starts to die. I'm not saying I don't love him. If he were to put effort into fixing us and building my trust back up again. I'm just telling you this as a woman who has had trust broken. It goes far deeper than just saying you screwed up once. Ask her what she needs from you, call her or text her multiple times a day to tell her you love her and you're thinking of only her. Do not put a lock on your phone. Always come home when you say you will and tell her where you are going, don't leave room for suspicions. Run plans by her before you make them, it'll show consideration for her thoughts and feelings. Show her some romance too, buy her some flowers once in awhile or take her out when there is no trust in marriage dinner. She needs to feel that she has your full attention and dedication. If none of that works, then I fear nothing will. If my husband even did half of that it would definitely build my trust in him. I have been trying so hard to get my fiance to trust me. I lost her trust about a year ago and it seems like it has been the same ever since. My fiance and I do every single thing Dov says not to do in a fight. I am really going to try to follow these things stated and see how it goes. I really do love her and want us to just be ok. She can make me the happiest person on the planet. I would do anything to gain back her trust and get our relationship back on track. I wish i could take it all back every last thing Ive ever done to make her distrust me. I want to be with this woman and make her happy more than anything Ive ever wanted. I cant take losing the love of my life. I love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. I just have trust issues that I cant get over. How can I love him with all my might and still not trust him. It's this constant thought that runs through my mind. I just wonder if our marriage is the one that last a lifetime, or the one that ends because he cheated. If you really love him, you have got the grounding there to build up everthing else. I would suggest that you both try to do 'couple' things a lot more, where it's only you and him. It sounds like he is whole heartedly in love with you also, and if he is, I would recommend that you accept that for what it is. I have a horrible problem with my wife who is a perfectionist. Basically, I have to try to be the 100% perfect partner. Just coming from another wife, we are not stupid. She may not know but is safe to assume she has a good idea. Like I have always told my partner, I would rather know, than find out later some other way. If you believe in your relationship at all, please, tell her. Yes she may be so upset with you, but it takes a strong person to tell the truth. You don't want to go on feeling guilty. At least you could always say, you've been honest with her. Then she would always have to do the same. No matter what happened after you told her, telling her the truth is better than keeping it a secret. I have caused my wife whom I love more than anything in this world to lose all trust in me because I keep things from her and break my promises to never do it again. It's all childish stuff like getting a ticket and hiding it from her or getting extra money from my work and hiding it, there is nothing I wont do to save my marriage. How can I break thru to my wife and regain her trust. I only want to take the hurt and pain I have cuased her out of her heart, she desreves to be happy, I only hope that I can be the one that makes her happy. Thanks for any advice you can give me. It is refreshing to see someone admit and know what they have done. I have some issues with trust for all the white lies or withheld information. I am so ashamed at the way I have handled our relationship. I am guilty of lying to her in a bad way. But the fact that I lied to my wife is bad enough. I am afraid this may end it for us. I have totally screwed this up and I will do anything to make it right. He can love you but doesnt trust you are a major problem when there is no trust in marriage most marrages. Trust is what best friends have like sister or brother. Its lke a dog that been beat. Some thing might have happen to him befor he meet you. Relax dont walk away that the worst thing you can do. Us guys just want to hear it and feel it and be reasured than you love us. My husband have cheated, and got emotionally attached to other females. He still speaks to a married woman in which he is emotionally attached, they email eachother, text eachother, and call eachother. He wont admit his wrong doings, he find comfort in saying ive done somethings im not proud of but he wont apologize. He gets very upset when I force conversation about his friends. Now that we have a baby born, he wants to make it work. I dont trust him, and I often find myself very unhappy. I have no idea whats making me stay in this marriage but it sickens me to my stomach. I often think about cheating to see if it will make me happy but I can't seem to do it. But I am very unhappy and dont trust him at all. I smile but behind that smile is the most hateful look, and taste that can be covered with that fake smile. Just because ur husband has got emotionally attached to some females doesn't make him misfit to be a good husband. Now that he wants to make your marriage work, I think u should all also put in your effrots toward that. After all marraige is not successful with oen person putting all the efforts. However, let him know that you does not approve of his relationships with other females and that it is of highest priority to you. If he still cheats, you have reason for a second thought. Should that happen, it would be wise to move out of teh marriage rather than live with resentment towards each other I want to regain the trust of my wife which I lost when she is still my girlfriend. After marriage I fully devoted all the time and goals with her but the problem is the other way arround, after we got married that is the time she keeps on nugging me, bringing up the old things that I have done. I want to let her know that my loyalty and faithfullness is with her but she dont believe me anymore. Even I changed already for good and for our future family. I dont know what to do anymore. I caught my wife talking to another man, in another state. I forced it to end, now she is mad at me, and I want to trust her, but on the social networks i am afraid that this secret life or maybe others might be around. He suggests that an abusive relationship is one in which one person is afraid to express his or her feelings and opinions. Rabbi, those are the truest words about abuse I've ever heard. If you hold back your feelings and opinions because you are afraid of a reaction, you should be when there is no trust in marriage of the relationship, or marriage, or a friendship. Having to use the words I feel when you need to express yourself to a spouse, are certainly better than You make me feel. The latter gives them control over your feelings. When the spouse is insensitive toward you he doesn't really care how you feel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What if a wife said to her husband, I think that you are the most wonderful father the children could have. Or, It's wonderful the way you respect your parents. We should use the words, I feel, for finding positive comments too. Happily ever after could be achieved if two people work together. What about when you have done nothing to ruin the trust and the person just won't trust you because they were cheated on in the past. Why should I be accused and checked up on constantly and having to explain things when I try to do everything right. Treat them the way I'd want them to treat me. Ive never cheated, never done anything to make them not trust me. One good book on communication is mars and venus together forever My wife and I were going thru a divorce when we read this and it turned things around for us. This not the only factor, but reflecting upon your actions is very important. Never under any circumstance make your spouse feel afraid of honest communication. This is very unhealthy for any relationship and creates a lot of long term damage. I am now going to a therapist to finally deal with these issues as I cannot live with the constant inner turmoil. We have two wonderful sons together and I know I am not setting a good example for them when they may someday be in a relationship. I hope and pray every day and night I can humble myself to accept that my trust issues are part of my insecurities, and not put any blame on my wife for me having these feelings. She has been very supportive of me all of these years, but I really feel her patience and support are growing thin. I know that God wants us all to be happy and feel secure. I am praying to Him constantly to change my heart and open my eyes to see what great people he has surrounded me with, and I really believe this is starting to work. I absolutely want my wife to feel our relationship is a nurturing one that she can be totally honest with me and feel safe and secure, as well as feeling she has all the space she needs to be independant. Every person deserves to be their own person and not lose themselves to anothers insecurities. With Gods love I know I will get to be a stronger and more trusting person, I just wish I would have put down my stupid pride and done the things I am starting to do now a long time ago. I have read many articles on this subject, but I find this one to be the most helpful. I will continue to read more on the subject of the importance of trust in a marriage while I also continue my therapy. I realize there is nothing if trust isnt the main ingredient in my marriage. We are all quilty of acting and doing several bad things listed in this article and at times we know no better then to defend ourselves. I have been married for 21 years, we have five children and we have come upon a real stumbling block that I fear is to major to overcome. It is the growing lack of respect that is failing our marriage now and we have lost all hope that our relationship could ever be what it was. There have been too many trust factors abused and the name calling and vulger abuse has escalated to a point that we are both ready to quit and throw in the towel, the worst part is there are so many that will be hurt by the outcome. My wife wants nothing to do with me at all, she always make arrangements to be away from me, wont go anywhere with me, goes straight to bed when I get home, no meals are cooked for me anyway, no contact with me at all is the way she would prefer it to be. We cannot continue our lives in this confused state of mind. Right now I am not sure if this is a good thing or a real bad thing for either of us during this bad economy although it in itself is probably partly to blame. What is Love anymore, does it still exist. My wife tells me she doesnt love me, she hates me, she cant stand me touching her, she tells me she doesnt care what ever happens to me, she really has never told me she loves me. Am I crazy to make it want to work, am I asking for too much to keep trying to overcome this frustrating situation. I was always taught that marriage is forever, anymore with my situation and the way society is I cannot continue to believe in this for my own healthy feelings and for the welfare of my children. It hurts me to read these comments. There's so much pain out there. You can yet have a beautiful, happy marriage. Im going through the motions right now of dealing with all of the things i'v done to contribute to the trust issues. I feel like we both are guilty of not fighting fair. I'm living in the now but always feel like I'm back in the past when I was doing all of the wrong things. Im searching for ways to build that trust up in my wife. I never thought that marriage took a lot of work every day,i'm guilty of all the things is in this article i'm going to try this because to me my marriage is the most important thing i do not want to loose my husban, i'll let you know how it goes, thank you very much for thing article it open my eyes what i'm doing wrong. I the pointers about fighting fair i am guilty of a lot of the stuff you mention not to do. I will try the I-statement instead of the U-statement. It's kind of hard not to say it when your upset and know your right but, I'll give it a try. I trust and know that this will make a big difference in my relationship. I'll let you know how it goes. I have learned from this to use the I when communicating and not the you toward my husband. Sometimes when we have a conversation, it is all too easy to say you did this. I will have to come back to let you know how it goes. You've made me feel much better and I feel that now I've got some insights on how to make trust a good thing in this home. This is a great article and needs to be taken seriously by all individuals involved in a relationship. My husband and I learned a lot of these concepts by watching Shalom in the Home a couple of years ago and they work marvelously. In our rush to get our own point across, so many times we ignore what our partner is saying. We learned to stop and listen to each other and let them finish, and another key listening tool is to not distract from the conversation by cooking dinner or doing dishes etc. Sit down face to face and communicate with each other. I do agree with the suggestion that it is high time marriage as a course or general knowledge be included in our school curricula and especially as an institution preferred by God; by failing to do this it has become difficult to manage the world given us to manage. Our individual family is a building stone of the world and can be weak with cracks if haphazard as is normally seen in high divorce rates. I have an interesting occurrence that happened to me not so long ago. It came to me that when l pray for my family in the morning that l thank God for the blessing of a wife and each of my children by name. I would pray loud not intentionally for my wife to hear my conversation with God although l felt that this would melt away our differences if any building up. I would tell God l am grateful for taking time to create my wife for me and that the bible says that one who gets a wife gets a good thing who am l to say otherwise, and lots of many other things that made me appreciate this gift, l prayed to use the gift well etc and l did this everyday before l woke up. I new my wife was listening because she would lower her breathing every time l started talking to God about my appreciation l also asked God to help me not to forget to thank him everyday for the gift of my wife. One day she told me that she had a dream that the two of us plus my elderly sickly dad was sleeping in the same bed. A strange dream then to both of us, since then my dad who was living a distance when there is no trust in marriage us and who lost his wife last year became increasingly ill and l was forced to bring him to stay with us. One day l remembered her dream and shared it with my dad who has since improved greatly in health needless to say that it was hard work to wake up at night, to feed him, wipe him and give him his medicine. When l told my father about the dream he calmly told me that God was preparing my wife for his stay and attention. Suddenly it occurred to me that God had become the third person in our bed. As a trusted third party God in the form of the Holy Spirit can be part of the team if we audibly involve him and somehow help in repair of the world. My husband and I have had extreme marital difficulties during the year 2007. Rabbi Heller has written much of the information we have rec'd in marriage counseling. Trust is hard to restore when there's been a reason for mistrust and betrayal. Marriages indeed need to be nurtured and communication is so vital. Whether it's in the beginning or after nearly 21 years as in our situation. When there's anger in the air, it is so easy to allow words to fly without thought. I've been left with a terrible bout of low self-esteem. The affect on a marriage from all of these issues are horrendous. It affects every person in the family, including children. Do not think they don't know what is going on. Sometimes they have been more perceptive than me. Trust can be restored with time. My husband calls me often while at work, he sometimes even visits me and we meet for lunch. When he is home and I must work he spends the time with male friends and always lets me know there whereabouts. He calls when he goes somewhere and lets me when there is no trust in marriage when he will return. Trust is a learning thing, but getting better. While I'm sure the writer of this article meant nothing by it, I disagree with the use of the word fight. It is normal, natural and healthy for couples to disagree, but not to fight. Fighting implies a back and forth attack. As the writer mentions, attacks are not desirable. So, I wouldn't use the word fight to describe these ideas. I do agree with the importance of keeping disagreements to certain boundaries. Discuss only the issue at hand, and avoid you statements, etc. These are all things that keep disagreements from escalating into fights. Hello to fellow commentators that are showing this article to your spouses. Keep in mind a comment that someone shared with me and I have found invaluable. If you concentrate on understanding the other, then being understood will take care of itself. Of course, the successful implementation of such a program would have a downside--perhaps a devastating effect on lawyers' revenues. After my husbands 2 affairs we had a long run of counseling. Things were good for a while but the trust never seems to really be fully there again. Just when you think you believe in him again some warning signal goes off in you and you are once again sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for the next big confession. I still think it might be impossible to ever gain all the trust back. This article does bring me back to all the info. I have tried every communication technique there is. I tried wholeheartedly, as I cared very much for keeping my relationship going. I cannot make him see how abusive he is, emotionally, psychologically, on a very deep level. I don't even articulate the thought, much less express a need anymore. There is no more relationship to be honest. We have a special needs child who could not deal with us breaking up, however, I am so cut off, emotionally, it has led to a very profound depression. There isn't any help, I can't even bring myself to discuss this out loud in person. It just will not come out of my mouth. I found this article very eye opening and I sent a copy to my wife maybe she will read it. After 14 years of marriage I am at the end of rope with her trying to get to her to commuincate with me, at first I've tried the rough approach then the gentle approach and then the mad as hell approach and nothing has worked. I just want to have an open line of communication between to the two us. I understand that if you break trust in a relationship whether your married or not that it is hard to regain back. But I also believe that if you love that person enough and they love you too and you both communicate with each other and prove to one another that you want the relationship. We all have time and that is what it will take. The past is the past and you have to look towards the future. Forgive him or her and use the time you have to rebuild the trust back and you can have something beautiful when there is no trust in marriage that person. Don't give up on something you love - We make mistakes and no that aren't good ones but we learn from those mistakes and people can change especially if the love someone enough. Chancing on this website is one of the greatest things to happen to me personally. To satrt witham not yet married but prparing to. I think most of the health ingredient that will make marriage sumptous has been displayed here by Rabi. May the good Lord give much more wisdom than you pocess so educate people like me. The use of personal communications e. What is your advise on how to handle this. Secondly, if the other spouse is engaged in intense sms contact with other man or woman not known to the family, could that be when there is no trust in marriage a a reasonable christian life. What is also your adv ise on this. Please help with what problems this could generate in a family and how to respond to it. I found this article to be extremely helpful. And the linking of lack of trust to an abusive relationship resulted in all sorts of things falling into place for me regarding my relationship. I already realised but see below my husband is abusive and I know I don't trust him for good reason but the way you linked the two helps me a lot as it helps me get over my doubting whether my husband is really being abusive despite what he clearly does : I think the problem may be that I wonder if his constant blame of me is justified. I don't doubt that I can't trust him : he hurts me,lies, lets me down constantly and does some really awful things. So maybe now I can believe better that I am in an abusive relationship. Overall, I thought this was a positive article, with many practical suggestions for both building trust and communicating. I think it is tremendously important to create a safe and trusting space. I also when there is no trust in marriage the issue of being able to express opinions and needs openly and honestly is critical - but also very challenging - particularly the issue of needs. The one thing that I disagreed with was the statement that it is hard to distrust someone who is going out of their way to please you. Actually, I would think it's just the opposite. While it certainly is wonderful to have someone care enough and value you enough to try and please you - I think you would also wonder why are they doing this what other reasons and motives. Also - sometimes one does not want someone to please them - they want someone to reveal themselves as who they are - with their own point of view. It can be very easy to hide behind pleasing others - and not fully engage or be there as a person. In fact, one can become highly skilled at pleasing others, at which point the other stops paying close attention and this actually frees the one pleasing to move on to other things. The point I'm making is that while this can work to achieve a certain result - it may be more the result of keeping the peace than increasing trust. Also, often people agree to something they think will please another because they don't want to fight - or they don't care - or because it would make waves outside the relationship other factors.

Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy. I am at a lost as what to do cause he is so hard headed and stubborn that nothing i say or do is right. If there is one thing I can do Is keep people's secrets. He has active practices in two Washington cities. Coupled with a desire to trust is a responsibility to earn trust. The Journal of Social Psychology, 138 2 , 217-228. The key to avoiding abuse and promoting trust is to consciously strive everyday to build a safe emotional space. Your role is to do that with your own stuff, and to be. How about phone calls and texts from the opposite sex or simply having a close friend of the opposite sex at all?